Disconnect (No Escape)

Every time I come home, I eat myself silly. I go outside on a lazy balmy afternoon and read till the sun goes down. I take two-hour naps. I lose myself in 24. I read some more, eat some more, nap some more. And then I go home. I rarely pray. I don't even crack open my Bible, even though I bring it every trip.

I come home thinking that I need a break from LA. That's not entirely true. I love LA. I really try to escape from the stresses that I leave in LA. But then I look back and see that I don't really have that many burdens to deal with. I'm not in debt. I'm happily employed. I don't have a wife and kids, nor the worries that come with that whole life.

After thinking about it during my times of idleness, I find that the stresses of maintaining relationships get to me more than anything else. Yes, I try to escape people.

Do I have a beef with anyone? Not really. So what is it? Perhaps it's the need I feel to solidify and deepen the friendships I hold in LA. And for whatever reasons, perhaps out of laziness, perhaps I feel overwhelmed at number of contacts I've amassed over 10 years in this city, or perhaps there is another reason, I come up short on my end of the deal. Meaning I don't call anyone, I don't email anyone, I only respond when approached. I don't take ownership in my friendships. My self-esteem suffers, and I plunge into aloofness and worse, apathy. Isolation increases, depression sets in. And that's where I feel the need to come home and be a kid again.

There's a disconnect I feel. A disconnect with others, and with my walk with God. And while going back home should be time for restoration, for cleansing, for HEALING, I choose escape.

But really, there is no escaping. There are only wounds that need to be tended to. And a Doctor that needs to be called upon.