Disconnect (No Escape)

Every time I come home, I eat myself silly. I go outside on a lazy balmy afternoon and read till the sun goes down. I take two-hour naps. I lose myself in 24. I read some more, eat some more, nap some more. And then I go home. I rarely pray. I don't even crack open my Bible, even though I bring it every trip.

I come home thinking that I need a break from LA. That's not entirely true. I love LA. I really try to escape from the stresses that I leave in LA. But then I look back and see that I don't really have that many burdens to deal with. I'm not in debt. I'm happily employed. I don't have a wife and kids, nor the worries that come with that whole life.

After thinking about it during my times of idleness, I find that the stresses of maintaining relationships get to me more than anything else. Yes, I try to escape people.

Do I have a beef with anyone? Not really. So what is it? Perhaps it's the need I feel to solidify and deepen the friendships I hold in LA. And for whatever reasons, perhaps out of laziness, perhaps I feel overwhelmed at number of contacts I've amassed over 10 years in this city, or perhaps there is another reason, I come up short on my end of the deal. Meaning I don't call anyone, I don't email anyone, I only respond when approached. I don't take ownership in my friendships. My self-esteem suffers, and I plunge into aloofness and worse, apathy. Isolation increases, depression sets in. And that's where I feel the need to come home and be a kid again.

There's a disconnect I feel. A disconnect with others, and with my walk with God. And while going back home should be time for restoration, for cleansing, for HEALING, I choose escape.

But really, there is no escaping. There are only wounds that need to be tended to. And a Doctor that needs to be called upon.

There Are No Answers

Connection. Chemistry.

These are important in a relationship. I get that. I read articles on match.com and the like. I've heard it all before.

How do you have chemistry with someone?  Can you create chemistry? How can you connect?

This is what infuriates me. I still can't get a straight answer to any of these questions. No book, no web-site, no relationship guru can tell me how to connect with someone, or how to click with women. Nothing. They throw out words but don't say a damn thing.

Of course, the end-all answer is, "You'll just know". This does nothing for me. This may even be the "correct" answer, but I'm not satisfied.

These questions have no answers. Well, no clear-cut ones. A man likes who he likes. A woman is attracted to what she's attracted to. Some guys like tall albino chicks. Some girls like dudes with freakish clown feet. Yellow Fever. Size Queens. Foot fetish (*shudder*) And so on and so on.

But I will say that while there may be no clear-cut, universal answers to these questions, we spend tons of time and energy talking and writing about them. I am constantly bombarded by articles telling me what to do. "5 easy steps to pick up babes.", "7 things NOT to do to pick up babes", "10 things to do on a first date", "50 things NOT to do on a first date.", "What to do when she's pissed", "What to do when she's bored", "What to do to win her back.", "What to do to when you're done with her", and so on and so on.

I'm tired of all the talk. But the sad part is, I'm a sucker for it. If it's on a blog or personals site and you used a fancy schmancy buzz term, I'll read it (Ladder Theory? Church Game? Oh yeah...). If it's written in a nice font, and there's an accompanying pic of a couple who look like they're happy and make think, "Hey! I wish I was that happy!", yeah I'll read it.

So I really don't know what to do anymore. It's enough to make me give up. And you know? If I didn't have my faith, or a core group of friends or a tiny glimmer of hope, then I would say, "Screw this. This isn't worth my trouble. I give up."

I guess I'll just keep repeating to myself:

You'll just know. You'll just know.